At Hell's Basin the day passed and evening had started to set in. Sketch had fallen asleep in a wad of blankets next to her computer equipment and a radio. A low voice mingled with static was coming through on one of the channels.
"Located what looks like an abandoned research facility (static) weather was unstable (static) UFO sighted at a (more static) all upper regions near the Valley of Fire, and Area 51 have been evacuated."
Sketch opened both eyes in wide shock and jumped up and began disconnecting all the equipment and carried what she could to the secret vault after alerting the others to what she had heard.
"Now wait up, this might not even be our little base that they referred to. I mean we're nowhere near the Valley of Fire." Dr. George explained.
As Sketch had already disabled the tracking systems and went offline to ensure staying hidden, the only way they could know where the military was moving was through shortwave radio. Within minutes everyone was working on disassembling the computers, machinery and equipment. Everything was taken into a hidden chamber twenty feet below the compound, accessible only by an entrance in one of the secret tunnels. "Do note that Area 51 was mentioned right there on the air. That means they are no longer concerned with denying its existence. Our mission may have been more successful than we know!" Sketch said pointing out the obvious. "Our task now is to play possum, leaving no trace of us."
Penn and Teller walked in and informed everyone that they were still safe and undetected at the base. Dr. George asked where the hell they'd been. When Penn explained that they could not let a good card trick go to waste, and how they pulled it off, Lurch stood there with tears of joy in his eyes.
"Well, I'm glad that your crop circle card trick was a huge success." Mortamule said in a half sarcastic, half amused tone. "Me too!" Teller exclaimed.
"Not only did you give me a wonderful sighting event to add to my database, you truly are the gods of prank!" Lurch said humbly and fell to his knees to worship them. They laughed and pulled him up. "You should have seen what we did to the crowd at the 1998 Winter Olympics."
"So what would be the tagline for this prank? The one we all just pulled off?" Sketch asked as she stroked her spider, relieved he was safely returned.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Teller answered.
"We still have to complete this mission." Monday reminded them.
They gathered their packs and flashlights, Isotophes carrying four extra in case they had a faulty one and in case the mine lanterns went out. She wasn't taking any chances and also knew that she was going to lead them through the first part of the tunnels, as they declined quite uncomfortably.
It was slow going at first, as Isotophes was leading them through some very narrow passageways. She was, understandably, due to her past experiences, uncomfortable in tunnels.
After they reached level ground again, which stretched over about four miles, Isotophes gave the lead to Dr. George and fell to the back as the doctor instructed everyone to stay together and call out if someone needed to halt. They stopped to catch their breath for a moment. Isotophes slid down the side of a wall to sit and clasped her hands together. She brushed her hair back with her hands and stared up at the gloomy ceiling of the tunnels of rock and clay. They continued through the dim earth.
"Come on, the climb up to the portal is just straight ahead!" Dr. George called to the others. After walking the four mile stretch through stale tunnel air and dust, they stopped exhausted.
They took sips of water and sat down to rest a bit. Sketch made sure her spider was still secure in Teller's pack. Feeling somewhat more relaxed, they all took notice of a very large spider web just outside three yards of where they sat. Suddenly a row of lights had gone out, leaving them in an even eerier glow of dim light.
"What else could be down here?" Ben asked in a quavering treble.
"Wait. Did you hear that?" Penn asked in a loud whisper. Everyone paused to listen. There was a sound of dirt shifting nearby. The earthen tunnel amplified the sound tremendously.
"The fuck izzat?" squeaked Lurch in fear. Dr. George listened closely. "Probably just a mutant mite."
Teller sighed in relief. "Or a rattlesnake." Sketch suggested.
"Do you think there are any anacondas down here?" Mole asked. "Highly improbable," Ben said, cleaning his glasses. "But not impossible."
"It couldn't be any of those stolen buggy sample-collecting cars from Area 51!" Nuzz said. Just then, a sample-collecting buggy car drove by them and expired.
After they checked to see if the coast was clear, they climbed out of the tunnelway, and out into fresh open air. They may not have noticed right away but they had traveled quite a distance underground. It was daylight outside and when Breaker asked if they had lost time. It was confirmed that it was the next day after they had entered the tunnels.
The derelict airport could be seen through binoculars from where they'd emerged. On closer inspection, they noticed two men walking around outside the building.
"We have to turn back." Dr. George informed them. "There seems to be movement at the airport and we can't take any chances. We have to get back and drive out from the base and hope no one detects us en route."
"Oh shit, you're right!" Penn replied. "Our bus is still out there! Why the fuck did we go through these tunnels? We didn't need to do that!" Penn said indicating himself and Teller.
"Were you ever dropped on your head?" Sketch asked Penn.
"No, just Teller." Penn answered.
"Well, I mean, you did fly off to the Bermuda Triangle for fear of a spider." Sketch reminded him.
"Yeah after telling Mortamule to not do that." Ben added.
Teller giggled and Penn scowled.
"Teller was the one flying the ship." Penn informed them. Teller looked away in shame.
Back at the base, they had rested again before finally setting out in their respective vehicles without incident. After soaking up another day of lost time, they were ready to get back home. Penn and Teller were given plenty of gas to get to where they were headed. Which was anyone's guess. They all drove away with a wave and were soon on the charted road. The strange cloudy atmosphere still prevailed, the colors still making the land all around look otherworldly. As the open road lay before them, they quietly relished how their Area 51 mission was successfully accomplished. They drove while thinking in silence.
"Oh!" Exclaimed Dr. George startling his passengers. "That was Penn and Teller! The Las Vegas magic duo act." He laughed realizing that they were telling the truth the whole time.
The End
Written by Iggy and Sketch Lawrence sometime in 2002
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