Andromeda's Lament

~Andromeda's Lament~

~A Reflection of "Clash of the Titans" from the diaries of legendary ladies~

I was engaged to this Greek guy, who was the son of a goddess but he was always pissing Zeus off. So he was horribly deformed as a punishment from the gods. Personally, in my opinion it was more than justified. So I called off the engagement and he put a curse on any suitors asking for my hand. Seriously he's a psycho. Again, Zeus wasn't playing around but let the bastard continue to terrorize me. That I will take issue with till the end of time. 

 

So the next thing I know, I have to take a crash course in riddle-reading, and all these bonfires, and vultures are stinking up the place! What the fuck's wrong with these people? I get dragged to the swamp to learn new riddles after ambitious men have been burned alive by failing the riddle test. It's just another typical outburst from Deformed Greek Guy. I have chosen not to attend the burnings and I've not eaten in days in protest of this barbaric ritual. Have quit all barbecue events, as well. 

 

This man shows up out of nowhere, calling himself Perseus. Asking for me, and then asks for the riddle. I tell him and he gets the right answer which includes a dismembered hand for some reason. Gross chopped hand with a ring. Ironic isn't it? I mean, a riddle about a ring from a dismembered hand so that I may give my hand in marriage whereas I will be the next one to be wearing a gifted ring? Oh well. So I accept this scruffy-looking Perseus as the man who will be betrothed to me. Fair enough. I was put off my food anyway and barbecue was out of the question.

 

Perseus tells me he's in love with me and says he saw me sleeping. Strange fellow. And the nerve of him! Who watches a person sleep for Christ sake? I suppose he's seen the vulture that hangs out on the balcony. Why couldn't he shoo it away? It just doesn't make any sense. What is he, chicken? Yeah well, a vulture versus a chicken. Not a good outcome, I guess. Anyway, the wedding day comes. As I'm standing there smiling sweetly, minding my own fucking business, the statue's head of the goddess that graces the palace's main room starts cracking and comes tumbling down almost killing all my guests. How rude! Then the head comes alive and starts spouting off all this jealous rage bullshit about my beauty being compared to hers and yak, yak, yak.

 

Suddenly the dismembered head starts saying something about me being sacrificed to the monster that lives in the sea. That's a new one. Then yaks that I'm to be unknown to man. Like a virgin? What the. . .? Shows how much the bitch knows about me, don't it? So then Perseus takes off to save me from this fate. The doom from a now headless piece of marble that sounded rather pissed off at everybody, least of all me! Perseus heads off with some new friends and myself since I wasn't about to stick around with the disembodied talking head rolling around on the temple floor. There's this goddamned golden owl flying around calling all kinds of attention to us when we're supposed to be traveling in secret, on a secret royal mission. In secrecy. I have to take over because the stupid jerks are all lost and the owl is annoying.

 

They finally find these three blind witches which will then inform Perseus on how to kill the sea monster. Then I smell something cooking, something almost like BBQ. I'm starving at this point and watching those idiots climb up a cliff and almost falling to their deaths because none of them know what they're doing. The fucking owl is only blaring away letting the witches know we are all there and ruining any chance of us doing this quiet-like.

 

Later on from what I understand, Perseus was playing around with the witches' eyeball. I'm not even going to ask. I'm bored to tears as the traveling bard, the poet dude that hangs around, keeps telling all these long stories about the gods. There's one about Medusa and how she got cursed. Good grief! What the hell is their damage already?

 

So then I'm watching the team prepare to head to the river Styx and then off to the lair of Medusa. I pretend to be asleep so I won't have to go. My plan works. Then on the way home I hoped, sincerely, in my heart that Perseus and his buddies would make it out okay. The poet dude rattled on all the way home. He's just not right in the head and now my head hurts! 

 

So the day comes when I am to be fed to the sea monster. I'm all like get this over with already. Drums are pounding, people are grieving and this is supposed to make me feel better? They chain me to the stone there and this monster jumps up and takes his fucking time milking the terror from the crowd and the awe he's supposed to invoke. He's not really scary looking but he's ugly and needs to put some clothes on. No matter, I'm about to be Greek Princess paté and served up with a touch of iron cuffs, which they put on me too goddamn tight. No chance for escape, especially in these shoes. Fucking bastards.

 

Suddenly, a flying horse with Perseus and a dismembered head full of snakes comes flying into view. Oh gods kill me now, I prayed. But to my surprise, the sea monster turned to stone due to Perseus distracting it to look at the head of what I assumed was Medusa. The owl knocked itself out, the horse dove into the sea and I was rescued. Then the owl woke up, the horse emerged and I realized Perseus was carrying me away from the stone where I was about to be lunch meat. After a few steps I made him put me down because I really need some time to catch my breath and process how this man is always bringing dismembered things around me! Hmm. And I really wonder what the hell that sea monster's problem was.

 

Later the city celebrated, the wedding (take two) went without a hitch and then we were hitched. The stars were charted by the gods and Perseus, Cassiopeia and myself got named in them. That was nice of them to do that. A list of things I got signed up for was presented to me after that. What the fuck? I didn't agree to any of this shit. Not sure I wanted to be a star constellation either. I know that somehow it'll make me look fat. Gods!

Genre: Adventure/Comedy Spoof
Rating: PG-13, language
Written: 2005