Helen's Lament

~Helen's Lament~

~A Reflection of "Helen of Troy" from the diaries of legendary ladies~

As I cannot even fathom why I'm in this strange group of people who keep talking about the gods as if the statues of them being worshiped wasn't bad enough. I have had it with these freaks!

The countryside is scenic if you're not used to much, and there are servants all over the place, showing they're not used to much. I have to wear fine linens and silks but I want to climb mountains and ride across the land and have adventures, in stylish blue jeans. I usually stay away from the boring fortress. One day, I see my future love. I don't know his name but I'm getting the name of a town somewhere in France.

While minding my own damn business, Theseus comes along and kidnaps me and I'm stuck out in, gods know where, and I'm quite sure a swarm of some really nasty bugs are following us. Apparently Peirithous is a turn-coat and cut-throat. And I can see up his skirt! Eeewwww! I'm blinded for life. Get me outta here! What the hell? Wasn't I supposed to have a freakin' horse? Where's my horse?! My kingdom for. . . .ah nevermind! Zeusus Hades Ajax!

I try to tell my captors to let me go, that I'm Helen of Sparta and somehow it just doesn't impress them much. Ransom seems out of the question, since I'm not even sure what the angle is here. I suspect treachery. Or foul play.

Since I'm not dead, I'd venture to guess it's more treachery than foul play. No ransom was even brought up in discussion. I'm certainly not gonna be handing over any brass coins to buy my way out of this. Maybe some brass knuckles though.

They're twits to have the nerve to kidnap me and forget to bring my goddamn luggage. I'm gonna remember this. To top it off, I'm stuck with Theseus. Theseus has supporters, family and all.

Life seems okay at the moment. You know that Theseus isn't that bad. He's kind of decent in his own batshit way although his comrades are surely aiding and abetting a kidnapper! What a bunch of maroons! Anyway, as you can see, it's not going well for me. I'm hating it. I guess this life isn't so bad. I'd rather be sailing on the sea trying to outrun the Kraken, but whatever. I'm developing a liking for Theseus. I bring him honeycomb and flirt a bit. I must have been drugged. But he's still making some armor and acting all weird. I make the moves on him and the stupid git turns me down. Go figure. I guess he knew I was trying to steal his boat and escape.

Then when Castor and Pollux finally find me and try to rescue me, Theseus fights them, and he gets killed. Castor and Pollux also get rubbed out. I lose my potential lover and my kinsmen! This really sucks. What a bummer. Oh well.

Then after returning home, the old man is still a sour old bag. I get put on the auctioning block. How the hector did that happen? Suddenly I'm the wife of Menelaus. Paris shows up at around this time and now I'm really trying to figure out how to slide on outta here. It didn't really help matters that I was paraded like some trophy and Paris sees me at one of the most awkward of times. Paris! That's who I was thinking of. Yeah, that's my boyfriend. So I run away with Paris and leave that mess behind. Off to Troy. It's like Sparta only further North. A little dry.

Naturally a war breaks out. They've followed us. There's no sense in trying to talk any sense into anyone. The first long, dragged-out months where a thousand ships are parked on the shore with spears wagging around are tiresome but Paris and I find things to do. Hector fights and gets killed. Aw, what a pisser. That is a shame. That sucks in so many ways. Achilles fights and gets killed. Agamemnon fights and almost gets killed. Everybody fights and either gets killed or limps away. A giant horse is wheeled into Troy. All these idiots jump out and kill everyone. No matter how much we all tried to end this stupid war, Agamemnon kept getting everyone else killed. Then he gets killed FINALLY!

Menelaus seems to be more mellow than he used to be. You know, I'm still kinda baffled as to why there was all this kidnapping in the first place. I mean, what was wrong with just offering a paid vacation? I always said I liked adventure. . .what would have been wrong with just a simple "Get away and see new lands!" offer in a brochure? What was with the long-assed war?! What exactly was the point?


Genre: Greek Mythology/Comedy Spoof
Rating: PG-13, language
Written: 2005